My emotions strike as if they've been waiting. Like, behind my eyes, is an old reel to reel that switches on in the silence. Memories vie for attention with teeth and claws – evil eyes.
Demons.
My demons.
Ghosts of my past that mark grave mistakes or difficult choices with haunting consequences that I can't avoid. I've seen eyes and watched life drain from them. I've seen the point when the body releases the soul into the deep dark. I've felt final effort, a desperate surge of strength before there's no more left. I've seen bodies with holes in their eyes, chest, or anywhere – most of them from my weapon. I've slit throats, I've snapped necks, I've poisoned, shot, even beaten with bare fits. It depends on the required message. They send me to send them. And I gladly go.
To my lady, I'm perfect. I cook for her, rub her back – I even write her poems and tell her not to speak of it. Now, I advise her on outfits and she listens. She says I'm the perfect boyfriend. She wants to be my wife soon. I've told her what I do. She seems okay with it. She doesn't see the monster.
It's like there's a switch I flip. The top setting is family. I'm a good partner. I might even make a good husband and father. I'm loving and supportive. I'm chivalrous, my father taught me women are sacred. I treat her like a queen.
The other setting…is the beast. There have been few times when I've had to let him loose.
Chance sent me last night to a competitor's compound to make a point. I went alone as always. I was to make a big enough spectacle to strike fear into the rest of their organization. When I got there, five guards patrolled or stood guard. They weren't as adept as they likely should have been. Three slit throats and a couple silenced shots. One of them had keys. There were butlers and maids; they died. There were some guards on the second floor that tried to scream when I knifed them in the back.
My target was in his office with his wife; she was to die, too. She was sitting on his lap facing behind him, in my direction, as he faced away from his desk. Her eyes widened with a shriek before my bullet struck her forehead. I was to kill her swiftly. All she did was choose the wrong mate. When he turned, I was on top of him with my brass knuckles. I beat him to the point of a death rattle. I shot him twice in the stomach. It would be a slow death. There was something I didn't expect. A boy.
A young boy stood in the doorway, mouth gaping but no sound. My first thought should have been to kill him. I'd need time to get away. Instead, I said:
“Hey, Kiddo. This looks bad. Slowly walk over to the wall there and sit down.”
He did so.
“Ok, I'm going to go down the hall. When I get to the end of the hall, press this button under the paperweight. Do you see this button?”
He nodded.
“Count to twelve, buddy. Then push the button.”
I stood to walk out.
“If you want to come for me in the future, I'll understand.”
His eyes burned into my memory. His face haunts me. In the night. In the silence.
My demons.
They're my demons.
Then, come the emotions. The fear, sadness, love, anger, the shame…they attack like they've been waiting.
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